sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
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