vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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