can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
