I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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