I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Acid is not a monday night drug
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
