i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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