wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
