That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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