I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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