its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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