Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I pour the whiskey from now on
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
