I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
