the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
do nipples grow back?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
