also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
