First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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