he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize