to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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