Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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