Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Little spoons don't ask big questions
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
