i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
