Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
