Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
