I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
