literally had 100 drinks last night.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Randomize
