you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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