proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
