just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
