Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
