I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Randomize
