when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
