drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize