And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
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Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
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Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
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