Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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