Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
