a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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