If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
