You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
