After last night, I could never be a politician.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
