the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
