It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
