he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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