Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
