In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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