Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
me + whiskey = a bad person
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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