I accidentally burped into my bong.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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