I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
