You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
