Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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