My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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