hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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