apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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