Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
