I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
