Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
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